The Agony of Retreat

There are few phrases that strike more fear in employee’s hearts than the dreaded words... “company retreat.”

_{Runners-up: “performance review,” “pay freeze,” and “Donna from accounting is selling Pampered Chef again.”}

Oh, it didn’t always used to be that way. The concept of a company retreat didn’t even exist back when the very first office-workers gathered around the very first watercooler, and there’s good reason for that: bosses back then didn’t care about boosting employee morale or fostering workplace creativity. You came to work, you put in 16 quality hours, and you were damn grateful for the privilege. Also, if you’ve ever seen an episode of Mad Men, you know that there was absolutely no need for retreats in those days. Who wants to go off-site when you can drink and smoke and be unethical in the comfort of your own office?

_{Ignoring for a moment the blatant sexism, bigotry, and very serious human resources violations, morale was at an all-time high! (For white guys.)}

Now that companies understand the importance of maintaining a supportive environment to keep productivity and inspiration flowing, they regularly turn to the infamous retreat to jumpstart everyone’s batteries and strengthen employee relationships. Sounds great, but when you look a little more closely, a bigger issue emerges: if you have to go off-site to encourage positivity and creativity, then you’ve got a major problem in the workplace.

_{But…we have free bagels every Friday!}

The word “retreat” actually says it all, because it suggests you’ve given up on building a comfortable and supportive work environment in-house.  “Retreat” brings to mind a sense of surrender and resignation, which is pretty much what your employees will be feeling when they’re forced to ride three hours on a school bus with their coworkers so they can spend an entire afternoon suffering through trust exercises in some musty old lodge infested with silverfish

_{In fairness, he has some really killer ideas about increasing ad sales next quarter.}

Not that there’s anything wrong with getting out of the office every now and then; on the contrary, it can be one of the easiest ways to restart everyone’s brain. A change of surroundings can provide welcome mental refreshment for employees who are bored to death of the same four walls, and besides that, it’s just plain fun to change things up a bit. Remember how awesome it was when your professor would move class outside in college?

_{Of course, back then it was an excuse to zone out and burn off your hangover in the sunshine while Dr. What’s-His-Name went on about whatever, but still. Fun!}

Retreats, however, can be quite a bit more extensive than a simple change of scenery, and some of them don’t seem to encourage fresh thinking as much as they seem to encourage your employees to hand in their two weeks notice. Taking to the Internet for some unofficial research, we gathered up a few actual retreat ideas sure to keep the company therapist on retainer:

• A space flight simulation. Nothing flexes those creative muscles more than scrambling to find a fitting apology for vomiting into your supervisor’s hair.

• Horseback riding. Putting your entire workforce atop giant, unpredictable animals! What could possibly go wrong?

• Fly fishing. According to one site, this activity is supposed to teach employees “how to problem solve, listen to directions and experience the joy of success.” I’d say they’re a bit more likely to spend an entire day getting horrifically sunburned while aimlessly casting an unwieldy fly fishing line and hooking nothing but the receptionist’s nostril. Oops.

• Paintball.  You guys: have you ever played paintball? And gotten hit? Because paintball hits are FOR REAL and will give you bruises bigger than softballs. Your boss may forgive you for giving him a welt the size of a small dog on his ribcage, but she will not forget.  Just go ahead and accept that you’ll be replaced by her marginally intelligent 18-year-old son after the holidays. It’ll sting less that way.

• Field training exercises, a.k.a. the stuff they make soldiers do in basic training. If you thought the intern was incompetent before, just wait until he’s carelessly aiming a loaded pellet gun in your general direction. Nothing says “building strong inter-personal relationships” like drawing first blood!

_{No one expects Janice from Sales!}

The thing is, you don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on a retreat to reap the benefits of one; in fact, incorporating the best parts of a retreat into your everyday work environment is a much more effective (and less expensive) way to get the best from your employees every day – and for them to feel like they’re getting the best from you. It’s easier to accomplish than you think, and you won’t have to participate in a single trust fall.

_{If telemarketer falls in the woods, does she still interrupt your dinner like clockwork every evening at 6pm?}

A small yet significant perk of a company retreat is the relaxed dress code. Employees can set aside the heels and ties for a day and feel more like themselves, so it follows that discussions and ideas might come from a more relaxed and genuine place. So why not loosen up the dress code around the office – even just one day per week? No need to let things slide to a tube-top-and-leggings extreme (not to mention what crazy stuff the ladies might wear), but giving employees license to be more comfortable while they work raises morale, and lessens the desire to bolt home at quitting time to shed their suits and slacks. Wearing jeans is not the magic ticket to innovative ideas, but relaxing the atmosphere via the dress code is a small change that goes a long way.

_{You may, however, want to draw the line at jean jackets. Unless you’re located in Canada.}

While your employees are busy getting a change of wardrobe, how about your office? Don’t be afraid to introduce some bright colors. Start by hanging artwork and curtains if you’re not able to paint the walls; even the most incidental touches will enliven a dull space. Contrary to what seems to be a widely popular belief, professionalism does not equal the color beige. You don’t need to coat your surroundings in earth tones in order to be taken seriously, and no one feels creative in an environment that looks like it was decorated by a border collie.

_{“I think you’ll agree that the gray pillows really pop on the gray couch. And isn’t that gray wallpaper just fabulous?”}

As for activities that bring the group together and encourage discussion, nothing works better than sharing a meal. Events like company picnics are great ways to foster team-building without too much structure, and even a short lunch outing can provide a much-needed break in an otherwise routine day. An informal meal together on a regular basis lets employees know that the opportunity to have fun and share ideas outside the office isn’t just something that happens once a year.  And when it comes to motivating your colleagues, nothing works better than free food. Don’t believe us? Put a big box of fresh donuts in your employee break room and see how long it lasts.

_{Don’t even try to make a move for the last bear claw. You might lose a hand.}

Lastly, don’t make such a big, stinking deal about any size retreat you provide for your company. Placing too much pressure on an outing sets you up for failure and makes employees feel as though they’re being evaluated instead of being allowed to loosen up. A retreat of any kind should be an opportunity to encourage bonding and communication without the bottom line looming over anyone’s head. People who have fun together create great things together.

_{Just as people who are forced to do a scavenger hunt together will deeply despise each other by 1:30 in the afternoon.}